by Mike Ray

Well, she let me know the offer's there.
Who, Eve? Did she really?
Well, it was definitely implied.
'Implied?' How exactly?
Oh you know, the way she looks at me, the glances, the nonchalant flick of the hair as she walks past.
So the way she walks past you?
It's a subtle thing. It's in the hips.
Hips? Can't say I've noticed it myself. Anyway, you're spoken for.
I wonder if that's part of my appeal, you know? 'Forbidden fruit'.
You're getting all this from her hips?
Women are better at non-verbal stuff, the little signals. Scientists have done studies you know.
Hmm, maybe so, but men are also supposed to be pretty poor at picking up on them.
Perhaps I'm just more in touch with my feminine side than you.
Or maybe you 're just reading things into the situation that aren't actually there. 'Projecting', that's what they call it.
'Projecting?'
Imposing your idle fantasies on a luckless third party.
Luckless? What do you mean luckless? I'm quite a catch you know.
Yeah, Meg's always bragging about reeling you in.
Really?
No, I'm amazed she puts up with you.
Very funny. We get on very well.
All things considered. Anyway, how did Eve and Meg meet?
They were at college together.
So you've known them both for years?
Well I didn't really mix with Meg's friends. She preferred hanging out with my crowd. Are you going to make some facetious comment about her having dubious taste?
I put it to you sir, that the fact she married you says all that needs to be said about her character. So they kept in touch after college?
Yeah, Eve got together with a bloke at the Poly and they moved up to Norfolk, but it didn't work out. She lived with a boat builder for a while, and then she was engaged to a deputy head of a primary school near Great Yarmouth. There were others but she never settled. Just before Christmas she decided to move back down to the south coast. Meg said she could crash in our spare room while she hunted for a flat.
So for the past three months she's been walking past with those hips and glancing at you?
I'm not imagining all this you know.
Poor girl. Obviously being trapped under the same roof as you, she's in danger of being overpowered by your animal magnetism.
You may laugh, but she's definitely uncomfortable when Meg's out and it's just the two of us together.
I can 't imagine why.
I'm beginning to wonder if she was actually a bit jealous when I chose Meg.
But, despite possessing the most expressive hips known to womankind she was unable to stop you 'choosing' Meg to spend the rest of your life with.
You're not taking this seriously.
Do you not think that, given our avowed respect for feminine fluency in non-verbal communication, your wife might've noticed any inkling of a spark between you and her best friend?
No, Meg trusts me completely. Or...
'Or...?'
Or, maybe the thought of our mutual attraction actually turns Meg on! Hey you might've got something there.
I don't think that's quite what I meant.
But when you stop and think, it actually does make sense!
I don't think drinking at lunchtimes is a good idea. How many have you had?
That was my first pint. Your round next I believe.
Good grief. You 're telling me you 're sober? This is scary.
I suppose it is a bit. I never thought of myself as having such an effect on women.
I feel the need for a stiffer drink. I'm off to the bar. You carry on talking; I may be some time.
Makes you want to re-evaluate all those brief encounters at uni. I feel a bit guilty now when I think of those young women I must have knocked for six. Hey, this could be one of those life-changing moments!
An epiphany?
An epic...?
Epiphany. Don't worry; you don 't have to be able to say it to have one. Here, get that down you.
Cheers. So, this fanny thing...
Epiphany.
I suppose 'With great power comes great responsibility.' Who said that?
Lots of people, few of them trustworthy. Usually the more power someone has, the more responsibility they can avoid.
You're a bit cynical, you are.
Here's my two penn'orth. Eve doesn't fancy you. She doesn't even like you. She puts up with you because she's friends with Meg and knows the domestic arrangement is strictly temporary. If you were to make any kind of 'move', at best you'll be in line for a serious slap, at worst you could make a complete pig's ear of everything.
My round now.
Slow down, sunshine, we should be getting back.
There's time.
Ok, but just a half for me. I wonder if Meg only stays with you because she knows you're full of crap, or just because you're so deeply unattractive to other women.
What was that? Here you go, pork scratchings.
How could a man resist? Did I not ask for a half?
They'd run out of halves so I had to get you a pint.
Fortunately the heaviest machinery I'm operating this afternoon is the photocopier.
You know, I think I might have to take this afternoon off sick.
I'm not sure your psychological issues yet constitute a major illness.
These scratchings taste dodgy and my stomach's been a bit iffy lately.
After three pints of medicinal lager, you're looking as healthy as ever. I'm sure Meg's got better things to do indoors than look after you.
Actually, she's out today.
So, you 're thinking about having the house to yourself for a couple of hours?
Well, Eve might appreciate a lift, to go looking at flats...
She's probably out doing that right now, independently, of her own volition. She doesn't need you to assist with any hunting and gathering.
She might do actually. She hurt her foot this morning and was probably going to spend all day in her dressing gown hunched over her laptop.
How did she hurt her foot?
She stubbed her toe in the shower. I heard her.
You were listening to her in the shower?
No, I heard her. She swore loudly. Anyway, if you find something worthwhile, you should strike while the iron's hot.
You've had three pints; driving anywhere this afternoon is a very bad idea.
What are you, the voice of my conscience?
If you've got such a thing, I'm not convinced you're on speaking terms.
Is it your round again?
No, it really is time to go.
You haven't finished your pint.
Somebody needs to retain a tenuous grip on reality.
Shame to waste it, mmm... Sometimes you've just got to go with the flow.
'Go with the flow?' You're floundering around on the river bank, desperately flapping your way towards the nearest by-pass.
Don't try to impress me with extended metaphors.
I'm impressed you could string that sentence together. Come on, back to work.
Who's driving?
We can walk. You need the fresh air. Where's your jacket?
Here, under the table. Ah!
Ah?
I almost forgot. I was saving this.
What?
This small envelope is my trump card, and will prove beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I'm not imagining all this. Go on, open it.
Why do you want me to open it?
It was tucked into my pocket by somebody late last night or early this morning. It smells like Eve.
You 're sure you want me to open it? Maybe she's tired of your constant drooling and is taking this opportunity to subtly tell you to piss off before you turn into a particularly sad stalker.
Open the envelope!
Under protest and indeed against his better judgement, he began to open the small, delicately perfumed envelope...
Stop narrating and read the letter!
Hmm...
See?
Ooooh...
I told you I was picking up on something. We've definitely got a real connection.
It's actually from Meg.
Oh shit! She's found out! No, hang on. She's saying she understands. She's all for it!
Er...
.. .and she sprayed Eve's perfume on the note. Hey are we officially a threesome?
Not exactly. She's been helping Eve with the house-hunting and they've found somewhere.
But we don't need another place now.
You don't, they do. They'll be round to pick up their stuff at the weekend.
What?
Tell you what, I'll just fold this up and put it back in your pocket. You can read it yourself later.
Hang on...
I'm sure it'll all make sense eventually.
But...
It's just as well you're in touch with your feminine side. She'll probably get on well with your conscience. They can while away the evening having a good chuckle about all this.
Actually I really don't feel very well.
Still, knowing your luck they'll probably elope! Ha-ha.
Please stop talking now.
Ok.

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